


really really

by fridgefish



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: 2020 NHL Postseason, Character Study, Coming Out, M/M, the & is for friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:48:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25682281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fridgefish/pseuds/fridgefish
Summary: Jack leans back and his floppy hair goes everywhere against the white duvet. He’s full of himself in a way that Sean can’t put his finger on. Halfway bashful and halfway… something else.
Relationships: Danton Heinen/Sean Kuraly (mentioned), Sean Kuraly & Jack Studnicka
Comments: 14
Kudos: 35





	really really

“Yes?” Sean calls out to the knock at the door. Only teammates are allowed on this floor, so whoever it is is fine. The curtains are half drawn, and he’s lazing around on the bed in the mid-afternoon. He could stand for some amusement. 

“Kurls?” Jack says, tentative. He pokes his head halfway in. He’s still getting comfortable with the team, still a little unsure of himself around the more established guys. “Can I come in?” The half-lisp is endearing, the way his tongue sometimes gets caught in the gap in the front of his mouth even more so. 

“Yep, come on.” Sean shuts his laptop and swings his legs over to the side of the hotel bed. They’ve been there a few days now, and he’s barely unpacked a thing. Everything’s too fucking weird. “What’s up?” 

Jack smiles, and it’s cute. “Well,” he sighs, winding up, “was gonna hang out with some of the other guys, but uh, they left without me and I can’t find them. I don’t really know where that soccer field or whatever is, the pathways are so confusing.” It’s obviously a lie, the soccer field is huge as fuck and they all went there on their tour on the first day. “So I thought I would see what you were up to.” He’s still loitering in the doorway.

After Sean pats the space next to him on the bed, Jack visibly relaxes, coming over to plop down beside him. He leans back and his floppy hair goes everywhere against the white duvet. He’s full of himself in a way that Sean can’t put his finger on. Halfway bashful and halfway… something else. “So I’m the second choice then, huh?” Sean gently teases. “It’s fine, I know Jake is the fun one.” 

“Nooo,” Jack lies again, laughing. His cheeks have turned pink. “It’s not like that.” He stretches on the bed, letting his shirt ride up above his navel with his arms laid out above his head. 

Sean doesn’t mind being flirted with, is the thing. It’s kind of fucking nice, sometimes. That’s always the thing about being a gay guy surrounded by a bunch of horny straight guys. They get bored. 

Jack wiggles on the bed. “So,” he continues, uncomfortable with the silence, “You’re just sitting in here? What are you doing?” 

“Yeah, I’m just sitting in here.” Sean doesn’t want to say that he was watching YouTube, because that will lead to a host of other questions. Iit’s not that it’s a secret but he doesn’t want to get into the stupid stuff he likes to watch. “I was enjoying the peace and quiet, but-”

“No you weren’t,” Jack interrupts. He moves one of his hands down to scratch at the hair beneath his waistband. “I’m here to entertain you.” 

“Is that so?” He really should tell him to go be horny elsewhere, except for that he’s bored, too, and has genuine curiosity about what’s going to happen next. He turns his head, making eye contact with Jack, and gives him his full attention. “What entertainment did you have in mind?” 

“I dunno,” he replies. He almost sounds shy, except for that he stretches again, a real full-body spine arch that makes his hip bones jut out. “You play Xbox?” 

“Nope,” Sean says, not giving him an inch. “I don’t play any games like that.” 

Jack sits up, scandalized. “None?!”

“I mean, I used to play PSP. Back in the day.” Sean shrugs. 

Some kind of weird groaning noise escapes Jack’s mouth. “Holy fuck, you’re old.” 

“Yes, that’s right,” Sean says, wanting to make an emphasis in case things get weird. “I’m very fucking old.”

“Well that’s fine,” Jack continues a beat too quickly. “We can just play a different sort of game.” 

Here we go. “And what kind of game would that be?” He’s going to get a strain in his neck from looking down at Jack from this angle, but he doesn’t want to give him the wrong idea right away. Sean slowly relaxes back onto the bed to rest on his elbows to Jack’s utter and visible delight. 

“Hmmm,” he hums, running his fingers against the duvet. He’s going to make something up on the spot, that much is for sure. “Tell me something that nobody else knows about you.” 

Sean wants to laugh, because that was certainly not what he was expecting him to say. It feels a bit like a sixth grade sleepover. But instead, it’s three in the afternoon, and Jack is looking at him so earnestly that he doesn’t want to ruin this yet. 

The truth is that there’s probably nothing that _nobody_ else knows about him. He’s not a complicated or deep guy, really. Or at least he tries not to be. Danton knows most everything there is, and he’s always been close to his parents, they know the rest. He doesn’t want to disappoint Jack, though.

“I hate coconut water,” he says finally, and it’s not a total lie. It’s not his favorite. 

“What?” Jack exclaims, as if that was even close to being a good secret. His face is comical: a caricature of surprise. “But I see you drink that stuff all the time!” 

“Yeah, I drink it ‘cause I know it’s good for me, but I don’t like it. I just never tell anyone. No point in complaining,” he sighs. He grabs a pillow from the head of the bed and shoves it underneath himself for some back support. 

“I won’t tell anyone,” Jack says, and puts a finger on his lips. 

Sean can’t tell if he’s being serious or not. “Great, I appreciate that.” Jack has somehow moved closer to him on the bed, and if he shifted his arm about one centimeter they’d be touching. “Okay, now it’s your turn,” he prompts. 

“I’ll have to think,” he says, and then immediately comes up with something, because he laughs at the thought, flashing that giant empty space in his mouth. “Okay, okay,” he giggles. “This is like an actual secret. Like, you can’t tell anyone ever.” 

“Cross my heart,” Sean promises, and he means it. 

“So,” Jack laughs again, and his face turns red. “So,” he tries again, trying to get a grip, “when I was in juniors, like my first year.” He covers his face with his hands, and Sean can’t help but peel one away so he can watch his expression. Jack lets his hand go easy, clearly content to have his wrist be gently pinned down. “I was staying with my billet family, and-” he giggles again. Sean accidentally moved his thumb against the thin skin of the inside of his wrist, which was a weird place to be ticklish, but okay. “Okay, I swear, I was sick the day before so I had taken some meds that made me sleep really hard, like so, so, hard. I went to sleep at maybe, I don’t know, four in the afternoon. And I didn’t wake up for so long, but when I did-”

“Oh my god,” Sean gasps, “Did you piss the bed?”

“Yeah, I fuckin’ pissed the bed. At age, like, fifteen.” His cheeks were blooming scarlet with embarrassment, but obviously he finds it pleasing that Sean is enjoying his story. 

Sean howls with laughter, because how could he not. That’s the stupidest thing he’s ever heard.

“But wait! That’s not all,” Jack whispers, glowing under Sean’s attention. “So like, I had to get rid of the evidence, right.” 

“Right, yeah,” Sean encourages, still laughing. 

“So I like, quick gather up the sheets and try to run to the laundry room to throw everything in there. But while I’m in there,” Jack’s hand twitches in Sean’s grip, like he wants to cover up his face again. “Fuck, I forgot how actually bad this story is,” he says and takes another deep breath. “So while I’m in there, throwing the sheets in the wash, I realize that my underwear has got to go in too. So-”

“Holy fuck, dude,” Sean groans, and feels a wave of second hand embarassment. “Please don’t tell me that-”

“Yeah, so I take those off too and throw them in, no big deal, hey?” Jack grins. “I’m golden now. Or, not golden anymore, if you wanna-”

“I hate you for making that joke.” 

“Stop interrupting me,” Jack says with the least authoritative voice Sean’s ever heard. “So, I’m coming out of the laundry room, trying to sneak back to my room, but my billet sister is standing in the kitchen. So I had to hide. In the laundry room with the lights off. And not make a sound until everyone left the house.” 

Sean snorts. “Just butt naked in the laundry room, huh.” 

“Isn’t it buck naked?” Jack raises his eyebrows. “Either way, yeah. I didn’t leave for school until they’d all left, so they didn’t notice, I guess.” 

He can’t do a thing but shake his head. “That’s-” He laughs, and lets go of Jack’s arm when he realizes he’s still holding it. “That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard, ever. Seriously. Thanks for that.” 

“See,” Jack says, looking up at him with big eyes. “I’m very entertaining.” 

“I’m seeing this now,” Sean replies. 

Jack rolls to his side and props himself up on an elbow so he’s more eye-to-eye with Sean. “I’ll tell you another secret, for free.”

“Wait, do I have to pay for that last one?” Sean says in fake outrage. He knows what’s coming, he knows, he knows. He doesn’t feel ready for this one, somehow. 

“You know what I mean,” and his face is already flushed with it. With his secret. 

Sean nods at him, gives him the go-ahead. 

“My other secret is that,” he swallows, and Sean knows, he knows. Knows that feeling. “My other secret is that I like guys,” he says all at once. 

“Is it fair for me to say that you’re telling me this because you know that I do, too?” Sean just needs to make sure they’re on the same page. 

Jack nods.

“Well that’s good then, good to know.” Sean says, because he’s not sure what else to say. “Is that what you came over here to talk about?” 

He responds by letting himself lean over and crushing his face into Sean’s chest.

“Oh, c’mon,” and he’s nervous, because he can handle horny but he’s not sure if he can handle upset. “We can talk about it, if you want.” He lets himself run his fingers through Jack’s hair, which is even softer than he thought it would be. “It was good you told me,” he said, in case he wants reassurance. “I can look out for you, now.” 

“I don’t want to ask you a bad question,” Jack says, muffled against his sweatshirt. 

He’s so underqualified for this, holy _fuck_ he is underqualified. He’s not sure how Jack sees him, either- but- “If you have a question just ask it, I promise I won’t get weird. If I don’t want to answer it, I won’t. That sound good?” 

“Yeah, okay,” he replies, barely audible. 

Sean lets him hide for a while longer, because he knows he needs it. 

“I don’t want to-” Jack starts after he finally extricates himself from Sean’s sweatshirt. “I don’t want to say anything that-”

“I swear it’s fine, and it would make me a lot less nervous if you went ahead and asked whatever it is you want to ask,” admits Sean, and he really hopes it’s not a sex question. 

“Do you miss him?” Jack finally asks, and then looks like he regrets everything. 

Sean is struck speechless for a moment. Maybe he’s confused. “Miss who?”

Jack looks hurt by his answer, which is baffling in and of itself. “Danton,” he says in a half-whisper. 

“Who told you about that?” He’s not mad. He’s not. It’s just that- Well. This is not where he thought this conversation was going to go. 

It’s clear after a moment that Jack isn’t going to give up his source, and he had been very vulnerable, so it’s fine. He just doesn’t talk about this, really. To anyone.

“Well, yeah. I miss him,” he tries to stay neutral, but his throat is threatening to close up. He clears it to be safe. “I don’t know how much you know, but uh, we tried to keep things pretty private.” 

Jack was hanging onto every word, his dark eyes dewy and honest. 

“So, you know, obviously, China was really great, that was when things were the best. And there’s a lot that goes into something like that, a relationship with the circumstances we’re under, yeah? And I respect him immensely and I always wanted to,” he clears his throat again. “Always wanted to do what was best. For him. You know, the cup loss was tough, then after that things started getting more rocky. He uh, he didn’t really know what he wanted. And I was pretty sure I knew what I wanted. So that was hard to work though, you know?”

He can’t believe he’s telling Jack all of this. It’s barely anything, only the skeleton of what once was, but it’s still more than he’s told anyone. 

“So by the time he got traded, um, we weren’t really together. Not like before. But uh, yeah. I do miss him. He meant a lot to me, still does, actually. And I want him to figure things out, and be happy.” Fuck. It wasn’t a secret before, he’d always try to tell himself, and now it really wasn’t a secret. “But that’s enough about me,” he tries to laugh but it comes out weak. “Why do you ask?” 

“I didn’t know all that,” Jack confesses. “I didn’t know you were together.” 

“Oh,” Sean says, hollow. He kind of wants to die. “Well. Yes.” 

Jack lays back on the bed again and brings one of Sean’s hands with him. He doesn’t hold it, exactly, but worries with the edges of his fingernails. Sean lets him. 

“I had a crush, it was pretty bad. And nothing ever happened. But I still have trouble. You know,” Jack says, gesturing with Sean’s hand still clutched in his own. “Getting over it. So I knew you had feelings for Dan, that’s really all I knew. Wanted to know if it had been enough time, you know, to-” 

“Get over it?” Sean finishes for him. 

Jack nods. He seems very young at this moment. 

“I think it depends on the person, depends on the crush. Uh, and sometimes it’s complicated. Sometimes I think you can care about a person forever, in a way.” That’s probably not helpful advice. At this point, he almost wishes that Jack would have had a sex question. It would have been more straightforward than this, probably. 

“You dated while you were playing together, yeah?” Jack asks, because he needs to hear Sean say it. 

“Yeah, we did. The team knew, basically, not any major details, but they knew. It was fine, everyone was totally cool. They left us alone, but didn’t treat us any different as individuals. That’s about all I could ask for,” he says, and lays down next to Jack. “If you ever found someone while you’re playing, it would be okay. Well, as long as I’m in the room, I one hundred percent guarantee it will be okay.” 

Jack nods, and slowly moves forward to bury his face into the crook of Sean’s neck. He gives Sean every chance to say no or pull away, which he appreciates. But it’s nothing to gather Jack up against him and let him breathe, to feel the muscles in his back slowly relax as he rubs up and down his spine. 

They both need this, Sean thinks absently as he realizes that Jack is falling asleep in his arms.

He’s not sure how much time passes. Maybe close to half an hour, but it feels like forever.

Eventually Jack jerks awake. “Sorry, shit, sorry,” he says, and when he pulls away from Sean he has sleep lines across his face.

“It’s fine,” Sean says, hoping his tone matches that of a buddy who let his buddy take a nap in his arms. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. “I swear, coming out to people always feels exhausting.” 

Jack nods without making eye contact. “Yeah.” 

“You know,” Sean wants to break up this tension. “When you first came in here, I thought-” This may not have been the best way to break up the tension, he realizes too late.

“You thought?” 

“I thought you were going to proposition me,” he smiles, and he wants Jack to smile, but he just turns a different, more interesting shade of red. 

“Like,” Jack swallows, and then grins when he gets it. “You mean like… sex? Are you kidding me right now?” 

Sean can only shrug. “Stranger things have happened.” He watches as Jack’s face goes through a journey, a whole somersault of emotions. Probably trying to formulate what kind of stranger things he’s referring to, and Sean wishes he wouldn’t. 

Jack laughs again, this pitiful sad thing that doesn’t do anything to help Sean soothe his own conscience. “Maybe we-,” he starts, and looks at Sean expectantly, like he wants him to finish his own thought. 

“No,” Sean sighs, and his ribs go tight with it, because he knows that feeling, too. It’s not Sean that Jack really wants. He pushes the hair away from Jack’s face and plants a kiss on his forehead. His skin is warm and slightly damp from his nap under his lips. 

“You’re going to be alright,” he says, aiming for casual encouragement, but his voice gives away his emotion. “Now, go on,” he shoves Jack, and he flops over onto his back on the bed. “Go play soccer with the rest of the guys. If Jake is out there with Krej you already know it’s going to be a murder scene.” 

“Okay,” and just like that, Jack’s standing up, gathering his wits. “I, uh-”

“I’m not going to tell anyone,” Sean says. “Let me know if you ever run into trouble.” 

Jack nods. “Will do.” He looks around for a moment like he’s forgotten something until he realizes he didn’t bring anything with him in the first place. “Thanks Sean.” 

“Yeah, anytime.” 

The hotel room door shuts with a soft click.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are appreciated
> 
> Say hello or send hate mail to my Tumblr [@fridgefishwrites](https://fridgefishwrites.tumblr.com)
> 
> jack: can i get a kiss  
> sean: no ❤️


End file.
